The following songs are the type of songs that get drilled in your brain permanently, but don't just chill out there sipping on Coolattas. No, these songs like to invade your skull and make you think you enjoy their presence until they start to suck on your sanity like the parasites they are. At that point it's just a disease we all have to deal with that strikes every time the songs' first bars drop.
If you haven't heard these songs, i'm envious of your sound-dodging abilities because if they really were parasites, we'd have suffered multiple pandemics by now. Probably a minimum of 2 zombie apocali (apocalypses?). So since you're almost definitely already infected by them, I give to you the 5 songs I wish could be surgically removed from my grey matter.
5) Eye Of The Tiger - Survivor (1982)
If you still workout to this 4-minute block of solid 80's cheese, you're probably Richard Simmons. Honestly though, this is one of those cases where the song itself really isn't that bad. In fact, i'm willing to bet there was a time in all of our lives where we imagined ourselves feverishly getting sh*t done in one of those "hard work" montages to "Eye Of The Tiger" like in Rocky. Unfortunately, the song simply suffers from being too typical and overplayed to the point of becoming the audio equivalent of stuffing at a thanksgiving dinner. It's something no one really loves but just kinda gets thrown in anyways, and by the time you're done eating it you think, "Well that was alright but i'm totally okay with not consuming it for another year".
4) We Will Rock You/We Are The Champions - Queen (1977)
*Realized I said One Nation Army here earlier aaaaaand i'm pretty sure I lost some serious music geek cred. Remember kids, always proof read.
3) Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke (2013)
I wanted to like this song. I really did. When it came out I loved the groove, the little descending bass line, the fact that Pharrell helped produce it... if only it weren't for Robin Thicke and his "all the ladies want me" bravado. Every time I hear him say "I know you want it" and "You're a good girl" I just imagine him waving a T-bone steak at a woman as if she were a starved dog. That, coupled with the #THICKE music video, makes Robin Thicke one of those guys that just epitomizes f*ckboy status. I'd be lying if I said a smirk didn't crawl across my face when I heard he was getting sued over copyright infringement by Marvin Gaye's family. "Blurred Lines" is the kind of thing that makes me afraid to be outside a 10 foot radius of a toilet bowl.
2) All About That Bass - Meghan Trainor (2014)
Another song that makes me feel like i'm playing Russian Roulette if I turn on the radio. Yeah, sure, I can practically hear the wave of feminists screaming at me about it's body-positive message, but a message isn't a song. You could put Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have A Dream" speech in song form, but if the music is coming from Creed i'll still turn it off just as fast. Don't get me wrong, i'm all about that positive body image (I was born with a chest deformity myself), but Meghan Trainor expresses it in the most awkward and unsettling way possible. From claiming that she knows what guys like in a woman as if she's met every man on the planet, to, in the most gut wrenching kill-me-now moment, where she refers to her butt as her *ahem* "boom boom". Stahp. Plz. *lies down in fetal position*
1) Fancy - Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX (2014)
Iggy said it best: "You already know". Before this um... "freestyle" that generally embodies her image nowadays, there was "Fancy". What really kills me about Iggy, at least here (maybe by some act of god she makes sense in other songs), is her lyrics that were probably scribbled in crayon just below a grinning, shades-bearing sun in the top right corner of her paper. Exhibit A: "Swagger on super, can't shop at no department". Swagger on super. Swagger. On. Super. Look out for the next Marvel summer smash starring Iggy Azalea as the annoyingly egotistical Super Swag!!! But then again, after Ant Man, that almost sounds plausible... Anyways, here's my favorite Iggy line: "Got the whole world asking how I does that". No Ms. Azalea, the whole world is actually asking why you does that.
Because I couldn't decide if I love or hate it: Don't Stop Believin' - Journey (1981)
The "classic" middle school dance closer. If only middle school wasn't so awkward and gag-inducing for most people (This is the part where I raise my hand), I might have better memories associated with it. I still don't know how I used to be able to listen to it 5+ times in a row back in 7th grade. Really though, I just can't decide whether I want this song to stick around or die in a hole. I moved it around on this list from #1 to #3 and finally to it's own spot here due to how emotionally confused I am over it. Those intro keyboard chords will always rip a spiteful groan out of me from the darkest depths of my being, yet by the time Neal Schon rips out that wailing guitar solo it's as if i've forgiven Journey for narrating the most cringe-worthy years of my life. It's a song i'll forever hate hitting "play" on but still somehow end up almost loving... almost. It's like being glad you found your old 7th grade yearbook until you open it and remember your mangled teeth and anime-like hair.
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